Meg Zukin 
Below Deck: Mediterranean Recap: NSFW
Season 7 Episode 14 Editor’s Rating3 stars ***
Photo: Bravo
I know we have some housekeeping to take care of, but I couldn’t write this without ping headfirst into nudity and BDSM. Captain Sandy and Natalya witnessing the two guests fully strip down in front of Storm and climb into the captain’s chairs, ass and tiddies out, will forever be seared into my memory. I wish we got a Captain Sandy confessional of what was going through her mind as she watched. I saw flickers of lust, awe, and shock. I am happy our guests got to fly naked through the wind! But I am also curious how sanitary that all is? Are they, like, allowed to do that? Do I sound as conservative as Reid? I am less concerned about the nudity and more curious about the logistics of it. I want to know what the owner of the yacht thinks! I’m sure if he’s renting out his vessel willy-nilly, he doesn’t really care, right?
I didn’t feel stunned — at all — by the nude photoshoot. Literally, who cares? Weird group dynamic with a creepy older man following around hot Instagram girls and taking their naked pictures, but … whatever! It’s something about orifices on those chairs, however, that gives me pause.
Moving on: Poor Mzi! He receives devastating news, and instead of getting comforted, he has to go comfort sullen Storm instead. That was a really shitty position to put Mzi in, and I hope Storm recognizes that eventually. I have an unending well of compassion for this man. The way he says Courtney’s happiness overrides his sadness — I don’t want Mzi to sulk, but I wish he had had the space to express his disappointment.
Storm, meanwhile, is upset because Natalya made him look like a “puss” in front of everyone. Mzi says, “Bruh, you need to calm down about it,” and he isn’t lying. Instead, Storm storms off to relieve Jason from anchor watch. I wish it didn’t happen in this specific sequence, but I’m glad Jason ends up getting his last night off.
Back at the club, Dave gives Tasha his shoes off his feet so she can walk around in something dry. She runs off to FaceTime her boyfriend and dogs, Dave eventually follows to fetch her, and then her boyfriend tells her to fuck off. Natasha then experiences a full-blown drunken meltdown. She sobs and sobs and sobs, and Kyle talks her off the ledge and demands she disembark the man train (honestly, good advice, but it won’t stick).
The next morning, Jason says good-bye and reflects on his sadness over leaving. This man needs to sit with his emotions and feel the feelings. Natalya and Storm break things off. She says, “What’s the point in dating someone if she can’t see them as the father of her children?,” which is kind of funny, and Storm swears he won’t let any of this affect his work. Alrighty, then!
The producers do a gorgeous job showing Natalya in the laundry room before cutting to Tasha and Kyle fucking around, dancing in a blanket. I have a feeling our housekeeping woes will only worsen, and surprise, surprise, they do!
Our next guests are repeat clients: Jonathan DePaz and Eric Cotsen. They want a BDSM-themed evening, and Natasha shocks me when she asks what “BDSM” means. How have you gone through this life without learning about BDSM? I have a feeling that Reid Jenkins, our new deckie straight outta Decatur, Alabama, is going to have the time of his life on this charter. He is not in Kansas anymore! Natalya and Kyle are tasked with unpacking the toy chest. Kyle is in his element, and perhaps Steven will be joining us once again. One guest, Diana, comes with strict orders that her cabin remain clean at all hours. When Natalya accompanies the guests to their beach day, she gives Kyle explicit instructions to tend to the VIP cabin. He agrees. Later that night, after they return from the beach, Kyle, seemingly out of nowhere, informs Diana that her room has not yet been cleaned. The reason why? He says the head of housekeeping was on the beach.
Reader, my jaw hit the floor. What a fucking snake! Natalya literally tells him to complete this one task, and he throws her right under the bus. Diana, for what it’s worth, seems unbothered! It’s not as if she complains, and Kyle uses this as an excuse. He just blurts it out. Natalya confronts him in a completely reasonable way and reminds him he’s also responsible for housekeeping on the boat. Kyle lamely cites time limitations before going off on Natalya. Just as Kyle and Tash had the time to clean the pantry, they had the time to clean the VIP suite.
I am sick of the Kyle and Tash show. Tash is not capable of being head stew, and it’s obvious to everyone. When Tash has an issue with Natalya, she brings it up with Kyle to shit-talk instead of addressing it with Nat. I am proud of Natalya for asking her boss to come to her directly next time, but why does she even have to make this request? Tash’s alliance with Kyle is inappropriate and enables Kyle’s bad behavior. Natalya is also annoying in a number of ways, but at least she’s doing her job! Kyle clearly wants to play the part of the court jester for the guests, but babe, that’s not the gig!
These crew members are likely sicker of one another than we are with them, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit I am counting down the weeks until the season finale.
From the Galley:
We got a few Hall of Famer quotes this week:
• Natalya: “Here’s what I’m thinking in my brain … I’m literally thinking nothing.”
• Natalya to Kyle: “I hope your balls fill up and pop.”
• Reid: “What’s 20 pounds? Like six meters?”
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