Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Rocking the Boat

With the ship stuck at the dock, guests are getting really annoying — as is Dave, who is rude to Natasha. Kyle hurts his ankle. A recap and review of season 7, episode 16 of ‘Below Deck Mediterranean,’ “Clash Landing.”

Season 7 Episode 16 Editor’s Rating2 stars **

Photo: Bravo

Okay, these guests suck. I understand it’s a bummer to be stuck at the dock. I would be pissed too! But shit happens. And they get a huge discount by booking their vacay through Bravo, so I don’t feel that bad. I was already annoyed by their constant questions about hypothetically getting off the dock the next day, so I can’t imagine how our beloved crew felt. Like, “We don’t know! We won’t know until tomorrow! Obviously we want to get you off the dock and stop you from bothering us!” Maybe these sucky guests are exactly what we need to get the band back together. My eyeballs practically rolled out of my head and onto my living-room floor when one of the daughters, Lila or Grace (I can’t keep track), started interrogating Natasha about the beam length and the make and model of the vessel. We get it: You sail. Then one of them has the gall to pop up, jump scare–style, in the helm to confirm the conditions! Props to Captain Sandy for keeping cool. I would have lost my mind.

These kids are absolute brats, and their boyfriends seem insufferable. Their shrill voices chanting “Sake sake sake, bomb bomb bomb!” during lunch clinches my dislike of them. I drank a full glass of haterade before tuning in, and it shows, but these guests make it easy.

To the parents’ credit, they seem mortified by their daughters’ behavior. Or, at least, mortified to have it documented by Bravo and broadcast to the masses. Yes, service is slow during dinner — more on that later — but their attempts to shush the girls’ complaints are clear and picked up by the rolling cameras. However, I guess we can’t be shocked. The mom showed us her true colors in making a fuss over the hot tub within five minutes of boarding. I am buying more and more into my own theory that this was all puppeteering by the producers for our cast to bond and reunite — especially after the explosion that is Natasha, Natalya, and Kyle.

I don’t even want to rehash their night-out fight — I am Team Natalya and think she remained quite calm throughout the drama — but will deem Storm MVP for the sole fact that he left the drama to go on a McDonald’s mission. When he comes back to tell Mzi that he’d ordered six cheeseburgers before finding out they were closed and he would be receiving exactly zero cheeseburgers, my heart aches. We’ve all been there — within reach of drunchies only for the dream to be squashed. I’m glad that Courtney sends him and Natalya on their way. With people that drunk and tensions that high, the best way to diffuse is to separate. I’m also glad she gives Natasha a wake-up call on what she should do as chief stew. It’s sad that Courtney needs to tell her how to do her job, but at least someone is saying something.

For what it’s worth, I think Reid handled the situation decently. He’s new to the group and clearly trying to find his footing. I want to tell him to simply stay out of it but, for getting involved, it wasn’t bad. His motto of dealing with the conflict later is a good rule of thumb … but this is reality television, not real life. Sorry, sweetie.

The next morning, Natasha, Natalya, and Kyle meet up for a chat and kiss and make up. The thing is, the interior team are sisters, and sisters fight. Kyle opens up about his defensiveness and pains from the past, and they all hug. I hope Natasha stays in her lane, instead of siding with one of her reports in the future, but luckily, we are almost done with the charters. Unfortunately for Natasha, Dave has not been staying in his lane. Dave, we were all rooting for you! Your redemption arc was nothing short of stunning, and I was under the impression that you had undergone some major growth. And yet, he’s once again texting Natasha late at night. These texts aren’t as abusive, but they’re still out of line.

The next morning, Natasha showcases glorious boundaries by asking Dave to only text if it’s work-related. Dave gets pissy and stomps around like a giant baby for the rest of the day (and night). All the professionalism and progress we’ve seen? Out the window. He won’t even let her make him a coffee when she’s making a pot for the entire team and is going out of his way to be difficult. And not to blare the “buzzword” horn, but he completely gaslights her when she calls him on his rude and standoffish behavior. He claims he has been acting perfectly normally. Cut to his confessional, where he admits he has been having a hard time processing the end of his relationship with Natasha. I find it hard to believe that he was holding onto hope for the two of them this long. They’ve been done for a while. Like, you didn’t realize there was no chance until now? He says he wants to run away, and I wonder if he’ll bail before season’s end.

He’s distracted during dinner, and it’s obvious. When Courtney asks him a question about service, he tells her he doesn’t really know what’s happening. Wonderful news to hear as you’re running plates to and fro. He doesn’t dole out directions until halfway through service. I couldn’t exactly follow what was supposed to happen, but there’s a disconnect here, and it’s affecting the entire meal. Lila chides her parents for not complaining, which is an asshole thing to do — especially when you’re being recorded. That being said, the paella is late, which is annoying. Especially when these guests are already pissier than usual, because they can’t be out at sea! Storm overhears all of this and reports it to the interior team below. Kyle then relays it to Natasha and, inadvertently, Captain Sandy, who is picking up on the tension between Natasha and Dave. Meanwhile, Lila is droning on and on. Meanwhile, Natalya is giving Mzi a lesson in turndown service while everyone else tends to dinner, and it’s quite cute.

To be clear, I could not afford a chartered yacht vacation, but I find it funny that Lila is whining so much when her family decided to go on a discount version of one. Eventually, they all head to bed with prayers that they will set sail the next morning. Finally, we can rest! Right? Oh, that’s where you’re wrong. Out of nowhere, Kyle comes crashing down the stairs. Everything he’s carrying goes flying, and he wails out for help. I’m no doctor, but by the looks of it, we have a broken or seriously sprained ankle on our hands.

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