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The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Recap: Preaching to the Choir

Season 3 Episode 6 Editor’s Rating3 stars ***

Photo: Bravo

There has been a gas leak in the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City editing bay. At least that’s what you might be led to believe by the opening of this week’s episode, a parody of an old-timey newsreel catching us up on various dramas. The reason for this zany editing construct is that most of this drama has happened online rather than onscreen — a fate worse than death for a Housewives fan. We find out that a mysterious Instagram account has been attacking Jen, Justin has been fired from his job because of Whitney’s role on the show, and Lisa tweeted out Heather’s father’s obituary to prove herself right.

We’re snapped back to reality to find out Heather has decided to start a choir? Okay, maybe this gas leak has spread. Heather says that since leaving the church she realized she misses getting to sing with a group, so she thought she’d start a choir of her own for anybody else who feels like her — if they make it through auditions. I don’t know where this is going, but I hope it ends with Heather’s faux Mormon Tabernacle Choir dominating in a Battle of the Bands competition.

Our gas leak continues when Sharrieff brings Jen on a romantic date night to an indoor trampoline park, leaving her as perplexed as I am about why they’re there. Nonetheless, they both hop around until Jen (in the foam pit) tells Sharrieff all about the ShahXposed Instagram account that’s been attacking her and Lisa. She tells us she just wanted to bury it and not give it oxygen, but then Lisa told her that Angie Harrington’s husband, Chris, was the person behind the account. All right, I rolled my eyes at Instagram comments being a plot point, but this suddenly just got very interesting. If there’s one thing the Harringtons are gonna do, it’s get on television.

Speaking of Lisa, we check back in on where her son Jack stands on whether he wants to go to college. If you recall, last time his stance was firmly “fudge college,” and it doesn’t sound as though he’s shifted much, having been influenced by the “really big entrepreneur guys who are like, ‘Don’t go to college’” on the internet — a.k.a. the snake-oil-salesmen-filled world of #grind TikTok. Lisa worries he has a false sense of reality about how easy things actually are because of the help they gave him with Fresh Wolf, and to her credit, she knows he needs a reality check. Jack says he’s eager to make it big so people don’t think he’s just “daddy’s money” — which I take umbrage to. It would be “mommy’s money.”

Over at Whitney’s, they’re dealing with the aftermath of Justin’s firing and trying to figure out what it means for them. “Justin pretty much is like the OG in his industry,” Whitney tells us, using terminology Housewives fans will understand. “No one fires Justin. He’s the best of the best.” The Teresa Giudice of sales, if you will. And yet someone has fired the OG — and according to him, the primary reason was Whitney’s role as a public figure.

This understandably infuriates Whitney, who feels as if she’s being punished for having a successful career and thinks it has everything to do with what kind of woman they think she is. The last straw, she thinks, was the “Love Is Art” project they did, in which they stripped to their underwear and writhed around in paint on the floor — and, yeah, I could see that probably being the thing that tipped them over the edge. But that doesn’t make it right! After all, the same way that sales is Justin’s work, that painting is Whitney’s work. It was practically a business meeting!

Meanwhile, a slightly more traditional business meeting unfolds over at Beauty Lab, where Heather is working on opening a second location. Business has been booming, and they’ve been struggling to find time for everyone — even with their famed “15 Minute Botox Parking.”

On top of this, she’s also been stressed out about her book, Bad Mormon, which she keeps procrastinating on because she’s trying to juggle not betraying her family versus being true to her story. She was more hopeful about striking that balance after the ski day, but since Lisa tweeted out her father’s obituary, things have cooled with her family. Not only did it ruin the progress she was making with them, it also squandered the budding friendship between her and Lisa.

Lisa, for her part, admits to going about things in the wrong way but tells Whitney her intention was just to set the record straight. This conversation happens after the pair take a yoga class, and let me use this opportunity to say that if I were forced to take a full exercise class just to shoot a one-on-one sit-down with another cast member afterward, I’d be fuming. We always get 30 seconds of actual yoga footage, max, so there would be simply no point in taking a 40-minute class. There must be some kind of expedited lesson they do just to get the needed B-roll because I don’t see Lisa Barlow putting up with anything more than the bare minimum amount of exercise. Anyway, Whitney suggests that Lisa give Heather a call, but she says she’ll just see her at the choir audition.

But before we get there, Meredith and Seth grab dinner with Angie and Chris Harrington, and though the couples don’t know each other too well just yet, Angie says they’re trauma bonded from their shared experience being on the receiving end of Lisa’s wrath. Speaking of which, Angie continues to deny starting the Utah Jazz rumor. Sure, she gossiped with Whitney, but she maintains that she never said that specifically.

According to Chris, the last time they saw John Barlow was at a Utah Jazz game (the scene of the crime), and John told him to get the fuck away from him. This is shocking to the Markses as well as anybody who’s ever seen John Barlow in any capacity. Look at the man! It’s impossible to imagine him cursing like that or even just saying the word curse instead of cuss. After all, the guy has a 17-year-old son who says “fudge” in earnest.

“Do you think it could have been fueled by what happened on Instagram?” Angie wonders, prompting Chris to come clean about ShahXposed. “In a very immature moment … I created a fake account,” he says, claiming that he was frustrated by the attacks against his wife. This is some batshit crazy behavior that we’re getting from these two right from the jump, and the most hilarious part of it all is that they’re just like, Ah, you caught us. Anybody on any other franchise would take this to their grave. Which makes me wonder just how bad he was at this that he got caught on an anonymous account? Was he posting selfies? Was he signing the hate comments “— Chris H.”?

“Okay, so yes, I do think it’s not great,” a taken-aback Meredith says, but she quickly adds that she’s heard Lisa has been doing the same thing, “so at the end of the day, forget it and move on.” This is exactly what Catholic confession is like. Chris got five Hail Marys and a clean slate — from Pastor Meredith Marks at least.

Not quite as forgiving is Jen, who has Heather over to fill her in on her cyberbully. Jen’s home, having just hosted a 5-year-old’s alien-themed birthday party, is absolutely filled with inflatable green martians. The gas leak is back! Jen says Lisa came to her with the information on Chris, but when she called Angie, she denied it. Next thing she knows, Chris is calling to apologize — and she asks why he’d name it that: “Well, it was available, so I took the name.” Heather is of course devastated to hear this and devastated to be caught in the middle of her two friends.

Do you know where would be a great place to hash this all out? A choir audition. That’s right: All of these women and their respective grudges are coming together to audition for Heather’s fake choir — which means we get to see an angelic-voiced Lisa rehearse “Away in a Manger.” Not to mention a synchronized, Chorus Line–esque routine from Whitney and Angie, in costume, to “When the Saints Go Marching In.” It’s like watching Smash.

Turnout at the auditions themselves is lackluster, and Jen agrees; she was expecting American Idol and got Utah Idle. “There’s five people, and four of them are related to Heather,” she says. Jen and Meredith think they’re showing up to judge, but little do they know Heather has a fully staffed panel — so Jen is resigned to being the day’s Ryan Seacrest, and much to her chagrin, Meredith her second in command, the lowly Brian Dunkleman of Salt Lake City.

All is going smoothly until Jen sees Angie H. in costume and mid–high kick. “The last thing I expected today was to see Angie Harrington here, especially after my conversation with Heather.” But will it have her saying “Seacrest out”?

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