Reality AF: Married at First Sight's Terrible Matchmaking Track Record + What to Watch This Week

Dr. Pepper waving a magic wand around a top hat with names of singles on slips of paper and randomly selecting couples would be more effective than the current process.

Reality AF: Married at First Sight’s Terrible Matchmaking Track Record + What to Watch This Week

Editor’s Note: Welcome to our new column, Reality AF. Every Monday, Terry Terrones will check in and talk about the state of reality TV, plus provide a Top 5 list of what’s coming up this week that you should not miss.

“I gave you the Lindsey Effect and the Lindsey Magic,” said Lindsey Georgoulis to Mark “The Shark” Maher while reading a prepared breakup letter last week on Married at First Sight. “I’m glad that the magic of Lindsey was given to you and I hope you can take that and be generous to someone else because it’s through giving that we actually receive.”

The only Lindsey Effect most viewers experienced during last Wednesday’s episode was a case of the eye rolls (or in my case, several spit takes) as she referred to herself in the third person three (3!) times in one of the most disastrous attempts at image rehab ever seen on reality TV. Mark and Lindsey bickered in a he-said/she-said drama filled argument that made for must-see-TV.

Lindsey, who clearly didn’t get the participation trophy she wanted, said Mark was a different person off-camera and that he’s not the intellectual she wanted. Meanwhile he claimed Lindsey was a bully, which viewers have seen signs of for months. Mark was no match for someone as narcissistic and emotionally uneven as his now ex-wife, who claims to be dating a man of intellect in Palo Alto, California.

This is just a small portion of the insanity that Married at First Sight viewers witnessed in part one of a two-part Season 14 reunion, confirming we were all bamboozled by so-called “experts” yet again. Dr. Pepper waving a magic wand around a top hat with names of singles on slips of paper and randomly selecting couples would be more effective than the current process.

Jasmina and Michael also called it quits, but sadly, these two might have been able to figure things out if they had help from the relationship experts. Michael was friend zoned by Jasmina from the jump, and because of it he never pursued her. Meanwhile, Jasmina said she never felt wanted because Michael never made a move. You know who could have helped with this solvable problem? Pastor Cal, Dr. Pepper, or Dr. Viviana.

Somewhat ironically, the person who gave out the best relationship advice was someone named after a condiment that’s not a part of the Married at First Sight cast: Sriracha. Noi’s fabulous sister came out guns blazing, bluntly telling Steve and his wife that they still don’t know how to communicate with each other. The pair have stayed married despite Noi keeping her apartment and the couple spending some nights apart. With any luck Sriracha keeps them in line because she gave Noi and Steve better advice in one segment than the experts did all season.

Meanwhile Olajuwon and Katina, astoundingly, seemed to have figured things out. I don’t know why but the odd pair just seems to fit together. Congratulations?

To be fair, two out of five couples making it isn’t as horrific as the MAFS Season 13 record of 0-5. However, of the 55 couples that have been married at first sight since the series began in 2014, only 14 are still together. That’s a sucess rate of 25%, which is pretty decent if you’re an MLB hitter, but terrible for just about anything else.

All that said, you better believe I’ll be watching a new season of Married at First Sight, which takes place in San Diego, when it premieres on July 6.

5 Reality Shows to Watch This Week

1. Don’t Forget the Lyrics (Fox, Premieres May 23)

Why you should watch it: The only thing I love more than musical game shows is Niecy Nash, who hosts this new program. I’m praying to hear someone sing, “Hold me closer Tony Danza” instead of “Hold me closer tiny dancer.”

2. Survivor (CBS, May 25)

Why you should watch it: The three-hour finale airs tonight, and for me, it’s still not enough time with my favorite reality show. If I could inject Survivor into my veins, I would. Wait, can I? I’m going to call my doctor and ask.

3. Married at First Sight (Lifetime, May 25)

Why you should watch it: The reunion episode part deux is here! After last week’s episode, what more could reunion host and hopeless romantic Kevin Frazier possibly have in store? Is Alyssa finally a good person? (No.) Has Dr. Viviana run off with Chris? (Possibly.) It’s not like a relationship expert hasn’t hooked up with a former MAFS participant before. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

4. Alone (History Channel, Season Premiere May 26)

Why you should watch it: The 9th season of the History Channel’s survival series returns with 10 new contestants vying for a $500,000 prize. All they have to do is be the last person standing as they live in isolation in polar bear territory. Easy peasy.

5. Carpool Karaoke: The Series (Apple TV, Premieres May 27)

Why you should watch it: Imagine all the fun of Carpool Karaoke without all the annoyance of James Corden. Sign me up!

Terry Terrones is a Television Critics Association and Critics Choice Association member, licensed drone pilot and aspiring hand model. When he’s not applying for Survivor, you can find him hiking in the mountains of Colorado. You can follow him on Twitter @terryterrones.

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