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The Traitors Recap: Barrels of Monkeys

Season 1 Episodes 5 and 6 Editor’s Rating4 stars ****

Photo: PEACOCK/PEACOCK NOOOOOO!!!! Not my imaginary husband, Kyle McGill Cooke! Taken from us too soon. RIP, my beloved mulleted king. The group continues to make decisions that are confounding to me, but then again, I know who the Traitors are. That’s why this is Idiot Mole; at least on that show, you’re guessing along with the contestants. Here we’re like, “How dumb are you people?” Meanwhile, the game gives them nothing to go off of but whether or not they like someone.

Quentin says at one point in this episode, “I like Cody. I don’t think he’s a Traitor.” That’s how everyone is voting, and Kate is really leaning into it. The larger group all hate her and want her gone — even those who don’t think she’s a Traitor. Watching Kate Chastain, a woman who had to suck up to the most voracious of assholes for so many seasons on Below Deck, finally let her inner bitch dragon shoot fire across the night sky is a thing of beauty.

Yeah, I get why everyone hates her, but I can’t think of a recent time when we saw someone hate the show they’re on so much. These days on Survivor or Big Brother, it’s all super fans who spend all this time talking about how much they love the show. Here we have a new show, no one knew what it would be like, and Kate got there and said, “Nope, not for me!” This honesty is searing to see on our screens.

But before we get to Kate’s sabotage and possible comeuppance, we have to talk about the first person voted off in these two episodes, Ryan Lochte, the original himbo. There was no way that Ryan would find a Traitor, but he was so dumb that the Faithful would never banish him. The only way to get him out of the game was murder, and that’s what the Traitors are there for.

That morning at breakfast, Alan Cumming arrives in a full three-piece tartan suit with a kilt, knee socks, a maroon pussy bow, and his hair done in a style that can only be described as Angela Lansbury but make it lesbian. At some point, I swear this man is literally going to wear a hat on a hat — I will be giddy with gay joy when it happens.

Know who is not giddy with joy? Cody. When he finds out that Ryan is eliminated, he says to Kyle, Ryan’s bro, that Ryan told him he thought Kyle, Rachel, and Arie were the Traitors. Kyle is immediately spooked because he knows that Ryan would never have said his name and that Ryan never suspected those people. This is when suspicion starts to grow for Cody.

I’m really worried about our former underwear model because he does not look well. I don’t know if it’s the stress of the game, him not getting enough sleep, or he’s like coming down from a three-month ketamine bender, but the man is pale, has dark circles around his eyes, and is barely speaking. If he were in Victorian England, they would have sent him to the consumption ward, never to return.

The challenge is some creepy thing where they get a bunch of Scottish actors to sit in a church wearing gold masks, and it is so scary that a little blonde ghost that no one has heard from starts to cry for no reason. The only thing that happens at the challenge is that it makes the feud brewing between Kate and Rachel even more fierce.

But afterward, everyone turns on Kyle. Quentin, the only one of the muggles who seems to have opinions, says he thinks the Traitors killing Ryan was to get the scent off of Kyle. Cirie hears this and lets Kyle know that people are spreading his name, a classic Survivor tactic to stir discord and get yourself through to another vote. This is why Cirie is the best and the only one, so far, who deserves to win this whole damn game. Kyle takes the bait and starts running around the house like a frat boy at last call.

Kyle starts telling everyone he thinks it’s Cody, but he’s telling them in this weird way like he is doling out information and doesn’t want to tell people the whole story. He’s treating the Faithful like they’re all Traitors, making the Faithful turn on him.

At the round table, Rachel starts in, once again, on how her arch nemesis Kate is a Traitor and wants her gone. I wish either of them would just say at the round table, “I don’t know if [Kate/Rachel] is a Traitor. I don’t care. I find her annoying, and I want her gone.” That’s as good of a reason to vote for one of these people.

Kyle spells out his case to eject Cody, but everyone is too wrapped up in Kate still being a Traitor or thinking Kyle is playing too hard. When they all vote, Kyle has persuaded no one, including himself, to vote for Cody, and is sent packing. Oh, Kyle. You can wait for your plane home at my house in London. There isn’t an extra bed, but I think we will find some accommodation for you.

Before the Traitors climb on top of Alan Cumming’s Turret, we find out that Amanda — you know, the one with the glasses — had to leave the game for reasons beyond her control. Did one of Alan Cumming’s brooches attack her in her sleep? What? Okay, I won’t pry, but this sounds like a case of U.K. COVID to me (where they pretend nothing is wrong, they just kick you out of the party).

Alan Cumming arrives at the Turret and tells the Traitors that they aren’t killing someone that night. Instead, the next day three people will be “on trial,” and the Traitors will slay one of those three at the end of the next day. They choose Kate, her enemy Rachel, and a blonde spirit of the banshee that haunts the castle, saying nothing but wailing at night when death is approaching.

The next morning Kate wakes up so far on the other side of her bed, I think that her mattress is somewhere in a bedsit in Singapore. She says the castle feels like a prison, and she is a hostage. When Rachael comes down to breakfast, Kate makes fun of her outfit, which is petty and mean, but Rachel is dressed like Mrs. Frizzle going to her high-school reunion.

Alan tells Kate, Rachel, and the blond ghost that they are all on trial, but he doesn’t say what that means. On the U.K. version, they had actual trials, which was helpful for the game. Here it just means nothing.

After breakfast, Kate is on the couch just screaming, “Rachel is a Traitor,” into the house, echoing like a thought in Ryan’s skull. Meanwhile, Stephenie, who was close with Kyle, is convinced that Cody is a Traitor, which is why he got Kyle out of the game. She’s asking people about her theory, and most people aren’t buying it. Rachel is the only one who clocked Cody for day one. What happened to her pursuing that, though? Does she hate Kate more than she loves being right?

Kate has determined that she will either be banished or murdered that night, and she is doing everything in her power to take her Princess Diana sweater vest back to Florida with her. On the mission, the group has to roll all of these barrels on a long course, through a river, up a hill, and to Alan Cumming, who is sitting in a chair with a pair of opera glasses waiting for the poppers concierge to bring him that day’s selection. Kate says, “There is no amount of money I would push a barrel up a rocky hillside. Get some dignity, y’all.” Yeah, I get why this would be really annoying if you were there in person, but, sis, I cackled.

The mission also features three barrels that will allow the team passes into the Armory, where there is a shield to prevent someone from being murdered that night. Folks, this is the secret room that Ryan was looking for and never found before his sad demise. Rachel is insisting they get those barrels because she wants the shield. Along the route, there are more and more barrels. Kate is tasked with carrying four small ones worth $600 a piece, but she throws them on the side of the trail when she gets sick lugging them — straight-up Mole behavior.

After the mission, everyone is back in the castle, and Stephenie tells Christian she thinks Cody is the mole. Christian, who is definitely a Traitor, says, “I think he might be.” Christian is ready to turn on him because he thinks Cody is a liability, and everyone will figure it out. He pulls Cirie and tells her he will vote for Cody that night. Cirie is unsure of this plan because there is an obvious downside: if they vote for him and he stays, he will throw them off Alan Cumming’s Turret. But there is a more obvious upside to throwing Cody to the wolves. If Christian and Cirie lead the charge for Cody, if anyone questions if they are a Traitor, they can say, “How can I be a Traitor? We’re the ones who got Cody out. We’re the only Faithful.”

At the round table, Kate starts by saying that she thinks greed and fear have turned the castle into hell and wants out. That she would rather sleep on one of those tiny beds in a yacht’s crew quarters than at a Scottish castle speaks volumes, but she’s not wrong. They have yet to catch a Traitor, the numbers are shrinking, and it looks like she is toiling away on these missions just for someone else to win the money. That’s what is problematic about this game: likability or unlikability has nothing to do with it. Everyone loves Cirie, and she is playing them harder than John Cusack plays a boom box in Say Anything.

While the Kate and Rachel fight unfolds again, Cirie says she doesn’t think that Kate or Rachel are Traitors. We get a dramatic cliffhanger at the end where someone asks Cirie who she thinks is a Traitor, and we don’t know what she will say. Will it be Cody? Will it be someone else? Gosh, these episodes end anywhere they want, huh? We don’t even get to find out who goes home now? You don’t need a cliffhanger! This is the internet. The next episode is right there, and you have as much time as you want. Stretch this shit out.

I hope that Cirie at least says another name. How are we this far into the game, and no one has questioned Quentin, Shelbe, or the blond ghost? They keep going for the big, loud players, and they keep being Faithfuls. Why has no one thought, “Oh, Brandi, Michael, and Kyle were all suspects because they talked a lot. Why don’t we go in the opposite direction?” That’s because so far there has been little strategy, just people hating on the villains and voting them out because they think they suck.

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