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The Traitors Recap: Hitting the Wrong Note

Season 1 Episodes 3 and 4 Editor’s Rating4 stars ****

Photo: PEACOCK/PEACOCK I’ve always found the structure of the episodes on The Traitors a little strange. Maybe I’m just used to shows like Survivor, Big Brother, and RuPaul’s Drag Race, where each episode follows a very specific pattern that ends with someone being eliminated. Here it’s different. Someone gets banished, then the Traitors go and deliberate, and you don’t find out who went home until the next episode. The episode is bookended by people going home (the real fun part), and in the middle are the challenges, which sag like a pair of cotton underwear on their third day of use.

By the time we get to episode four, Brandi has been banished, and we have Cirie and Stephenie talking about a note that Kate may or may not have dropped — and we haven’t even gotten to the traitors in Alan’s turret yet. It’s strange, but I guess when you binge a show like this, you don’t need the breaks, you don’t need the pattern, you just gorge on the thing until either you pass out on the couch or Peacock tells you, “There are no episodes left; would you like to watch Ultimate Girls Trip?” In this instance, say yes.

But first, let’s pick up with the beginning of episode three. Everyone is in the breakfast room pecking at stale croissants and waiting to find out who is dead. If I were a Traitor, this would be the hardest part of the game for me. Oh, I wouldn’t feel bad about sending people home; I would just want to tell everyone my inside info because I am such a messy gossip. Everyone has filed into breakfast but Brandi and Bam, whom we have barely even heard from. Then Brandi comes in wearing one of Alan Cumming’s berets and we all know Bam’s been banished.

This is actually an excellent ejection from the Traitors. The Faithful are sitting around looking for evidence of who might be a Traitor. The only direct action that the Faithful know the Traitors are making are the murders. If they just pick at random, the Faithful will try to find or sense a pattern and they will never find one because none exists. “Why Bam?” they’ll all be asking. The Traitors don’t even have a reason other than sending everyone into a tizzy — it worked.

After breakfast, a fight breaks out between Michael, Brandi, Kate, and the rest of humanity. Brandi and Kate say they should vote Michael because he pushed so hard for Geraldine and was wrong. Their theory is that either he is a Traitor or a really bad Faithful, and either way, they don’t need him. It’s as good a strategy as any. While they’re fighting, Azra and some other blonde woman who I believe is the ghost of the past owner of the castle leave the room. Azra doesn’t like the fighting and says, “I can’t do this.” Sister, you signed up to be on a reality-television program with Brandi Glanville, who once slapped an old lady on a boat in Amsterdam for no reason, and Kate Chastain, who once made a blanket sculpture in the shape of a dick on a yacht guest’s bed because she didn’t like him. Where did you think this was going?

The challenge has half the team in a church playing a set of bells and the rest of the team back in the house trying to identify the tunes. They get them all right and there is little drama, though I do feel bad for Andie, who is described as a “director of musical services” and is horrible at this game.

After the game, everyone is lounging around the castle trying to figure out who the Traitors are. Brandi has chosen Michael, Cirie, and Christian. Two out of three ain’t bad. Kate is on the same page. They decide in order to make sense of their thoughts, they’re going to take some notes on a piece of paper.

When they get into the roundtable, there are really only three options: Brandi, Kate, and Michael. This makes little sense to me. Brandi was the one arguing that Geraldine was not a Traitor. They booted her anyway and she revealed that she wasn’t a Traitor. Brandi was right, but they’re accusing her of acting like a Traitor because she’s throwing out names. Um, folks … the names you are all throwing out are wrong, so why does Brandi throwing out names make her a Traitor when she just fought to keep a Faithful? Also, the person who is leading the charge against them is Michael, who was wrong last week. Why listen to this guy again? He’s clearly bad at this. That’s like needing dental work and sitting down in Ryan Lochte’s chair rather than calling a professional.

As they go around the table, the votes are split between Michael, Brandi, and Kate. When it’s my imaginary husband Kyle McGill Cooke’s turn to vote, he says, “We need people that are willing to speak out and actually come to the table with opinions, because there are a lot of people playing it safe and a lot of people that are reserved, and that’s really lame if that’s the new normal.” Kyle literally just told them, “Traitors should be fun. All of you? Not fun!”

But he’s right. So far, the entire series has been Michael, Geraldine, Brandi, and Kate accusing each other of being Traitors and a bunch of people I’ve never seen on television before being quieter than the desert three days after Burning Man leaves. Azra, a yoga teacher who has done nothing but leave the room when fighting, says in response to Kyle, “Some of us reserved ones can have intelligent conversations when there aren’t as many big personalities.” A valid point, but if you’re going to be quiet, you should become, I don’t know, a movie usher or something, not a reality-television personality.

Brandi gets enough votes to head home early and shouts “Idiots!” on her way out. Brandi’s gotta Brandi. This is a lucky break for the Traitors, because she had them pegged. It’s crazy that everyone has been so against Brandi and Kate because they are outspoken and bitchy and make a lot of noise. Yeah, but they’ve been right (about everyone but Michael).

After the roundtable, Stephenie sees a piece of paper fall out of Kate’s skirt when she gets up. She picks up the paper, and it has Shelbe’s name with “murder” written underneath it and then crossed out and it says Amanda. Stephenie decides this means that Kate is a Traitor. Here’s the thing about this show: The players are going to be looking for evidence, and literally none exists.

But now Stephenie has something concrete to hold on to. What does she do with the information? Runs right to a Traitor! She goes to Cirie, whom she trusts implicitly, and only shows her the note. The next day, she’s having a chat with Kyle and Ryan about how one of the “reality” women is probably a Traitor, and they bat around Cirie’s name. “I know she’s not a Traitor for a fact,” Stephenie says. What fact? That she told you? That is not a fact. This is literally a game about lying to a group of people. You’re going to trust something someone said because you’ve met her at a handful of Survivor events over the years?

Episode four starts and we get the Traitors meeting. Cirie tells them about Stephenie’s note and says if they want to frame Kate, they could kick off Amanda or Shelbe and it would make the note true. But why try to frame Kate when there is still a contingent of people who think she’s a Traitor? Better yet to throw heat onto someone else and keep themselves clean. They decide to turn up the heat on sweet precious baby Kyle and murder Azra since they got into a minor disagreement at the roundtable.

After breakfast, Stephenie starts showing the note around and saying what happened, and they all take her word for it. Why does no one say, “Who else saw this? Could you be a Traitor trying to pin this on Kate?” No, they all believe her because they think Kate is a bitch because she won’t keep her opinions about people to herself. And, know what, she has been mostly right, so why are they so pressed? It’s like they’re Taylor Swift fans and she just put on some Kanye.

The challenge features five contestants on a spinning wheel and they have to guess what the group is going to answer about a series of questions. The crazy thing is, none of it makes sense. They say that Kate has told the most lies in the game. What has Kate lied about? Nothing! She disagreed with the last two votes and was right. They haven’t all told her they know about the note, so she hasn’t even lied about that.

In the second round, they then go all in on Michael, saying he’s the most two-faced and that he’s probably a Traitor. Well, Kate is saying that he is, so how is she a liar and he is a Traitor at the same time? This game includes no logic, no strategy, no alliances (though Stephenie thinks she has one with Cirie), nothing that we’re used to on a reality-TV competition. The only thing the contestants have to go off of are feelz.

At the round table it becomes Kate versus Michael: round two. But this time, Amanda brings up the note. This is the first that Kate has heard about it, and she explains that she was just taking notes while talking to Brandi. Yes, the same Brandi who they know, undoubtedly, was a Faithful. Even if Kate is a Traitor, why would she be plotting with Brandi?

The real winner of the roundtable is my knight, Kyle. He says that for the past two nights, they listened to Michael and he was wrong. Why are they going to listen to Michael again? Because they hate Kate and no one has any better ideas? Quentin says he doesn’t think it’s Michael, but he offers no alternative. I think that’s what happens when you mix celebrities and muggles, especially reality-television professionals. Of course Kate is going to sow chaos and create drama. That is literally her occupation. That’s like assuming that Andie is going to be good at a musical challenge. Oh, wait …

When it comes down to the vote, Michael takes most of them, though there is a heavy Kate contingent. It’s odd to me how so much of this early stage of the game is about pack mentality. Well, I guess it makes sense. If you just lay low enough and let the big targets talk themselves out of the game, you are halfway through the Hunger Games before anyone comes looking for you. But don’t they have their own opinions? Are they so unwilling to stand out that they won’t test their own theories, or at least talk them out?

I’m with everyone around the table: It is time to take out the distractions, but what really annoys me is the cop-out everyone is taking at the table. “I don’t think Kate is a Traitor, but I’m trying to save myself,” Michael says. Well, why vote for someone you don’t think is a Traitor? Vote for someone who is. This is what Kyle was talking about last episode. Some people need some theories so instead of going around the table and saying, “Sorry, Michael, I don’t think it’s you, but everyone told me to do this so, whatevs,” they can cast a real actual vote.

The episode ends with the Traitors’ deliberation and I love how much Cirie and Cody clearly hate Christian. They’re talking about how they struggle to get rid of people they made bonds with, and Christian is in the corner cleaning his gun and wondering whose brains he’s gonna splatter on the castle walls next. But it’s Cirie and Cody who really get into it. Cody is coming for my lover Kyle because people are starting to suspect him. Cirie wants to get rid of Ryan because he’s supposedly close with Cody and she can’t trust them together. Cirie accuses Cody of being friends with him, and he says, “You think I know him from outside of the house.” That is just how they talk on Big Brother. Cody, this is a new game. You’re not in a house, you’re in a castle. But of course we don’t find out who it is; we have to wait until next time, strange rhythms be damned. But I swear, if they murder my Kyle, I am getting on the first plane to Scotland and I am going to strangle Christian myself.

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