Netflix’s 2022 preview trailer is a ghoulish nightmare of coerced A-listers
Stuart Heritage
4 min read
The worst part of anything film-related is the context-free montage. The worst part of going to the cinema is being pummelled with a context-free montage of upcoming attractions before the movie starts. The worst part of watching awards shows is being pummelled with context-free montages of all the films that were released in the previous 12 months. A context-free montage is less than a trailer. It isn’t even an advert. It’s a sizzle reel that reveals nothing about anything. There is no information. It’s the movie equivalent of sitting in front of the washing machine as a kid.
However, Netflix prides itself on being a bold new disruptor in the movie industry, so it only makes sense that it should also boldly disrupt the context-free montage genre. Behold, Netflix’s new 2022 movie preview video, where the montage talks to you.
Netflix’s movie preview ultimately serves two purposes. The first is to tell you all the films that are coming out this year, in the form of an over-edited supercut. And if that’s your thing, there’s plenty to dissect here. There’s going to be a sequel to Enola Holmes, a sequel to Knives Out, a Russo Brothers movie where Ryan Gosling appears to be playing Jason Bourne, an animated Guillermo Del Toro Pinocchio movie, one of those Adam Sandler movies that critics like, a film with Kevin Hart and Mark Wahlberg, a neat-looking animated pirate movie and something called We Have a Ghost. Some of it looks fantastic, lots of it looks mediocre and some of it – were their success measured in traditional box office grosses – look destined to be monumental flops.
But that’s not the real reason why Netflix made the montage, though. No, the real reason for the montage was to allow Netflix to gratuitously flex all over the place. Because, at key points during the montage, the stars themselves turn and address us in the middle of the action.
This is a big deal. Previously, it had been considered a big deal if a movie star listlessly presented a clip of the movie from an independently shot clip of them in full blown junket mode. But this is something else. This is a demonstration that Netflix has the power to shut down a movie’s production so that the star – on location, in costume and from within the scene of the movie they’re making – can promote the platform.
It starts with Jennifer Lopez, scowling on a boat in a wooly hat. “Tonight is movie night,” she sighs with weary resignation. Next is Chris Hemsworth, wearing glasses. “In here is the great big world,” he intones with all the enthusiasm of someone ordering a starter from a restaurant that only serves human faeces.
I’m not going to type out everything that all the stars say, because it adds up to the sort of inept tone poem usually reserved for cologne adverts, but I will list the other stars who talk. Jason Momoa, dressed as a sort of militaristic sex goat. Jamie Foxx, driving a car. Ryan Gosling, fighting a guy on a tram. Henry Cavill and Millie Bobby Brown, walking down an alley. Queen Latifah, overlit next to a car. Mark Wahlberg and Kevin Hart, pretending they’re 20 years younger than they actually are. Halle Berry, looking into a hole. Ryan Reynolds, in a lift. Kerry Washington, dressed as royalty. Charlize Theron, dressed as Noddy Holder.
Judging by their slightly downbeat demeanour, it’s safe to assume that all these actors were all just getting into the swing of filming when a Netflix representative shut everything down and got them to read out their line of their meaningless spiel. None of them are happy about it. Charlize Theron actively looks like she had to be tranquillised to do it. But that doesn’t matter. They still did it. Once again, Netflix triumphs over the human spirit.
Presumably, none of these stars did this for free. There was a line in their contract stipulating their appearance, and probably a slightly increased pay packet. But what’s interesting to see is who held out. Adam Sandler didn’t say anything. Daniel Craig didn’t say anything. Eddie Murphy didn’t say anything. Julia Louis-Dreyfus didn’t say anything. Mark Ruffalo was standing right next to Ryan Reynolds in his clip, but he didn’t so much as think about saying anything. Mark Ruffalo cannot be bought or sold. His integrity is rock solid.
Despite this, though, the message is loud and clear. Netflix has some films out this year. And it can make the most famous people on Earth dance like performing monkeys whenever it wants.
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