Tom Schwartz On “Vanderpump Rules” Has Honestly Always Been The Worst. Let’s Review.
Hello dear friends, and welcome. If you, like me, have been completely entranced by the reality show entitled Vanderpump Rules since it premiered on Bravo on January 7, 2013, then boy am I glad you are here.
Bravo / Todd Williamson/Bravo via Getty Images, Bravo / Charles Sykes/Bravo via Getty ImagesWhile these two are OBVIOUSLY enemies in the over-arching VPR universe, we are saving that for another day. There’s, like, a lot more to this story; like the fact that Raquel was good friends with Ariana, that she made out with Tom (yes, there is more than one Tom on the show) Schwartz during the current season, and that she used to be engaged to fellow cast-member and SUR DJ James Kennedy. But, for the purpose of this post, and for the sake of my dear fingers, we will be focusing in solely on just one enemy today. And that enemy is Tom Schwartz.
Because as much as I would love to spend 15 hours straight discussing Tom Sandoval (or Tom #1), today we are here to discuss the OTHER Tom. Tom #2, if you will. Tom-othy Schwartz.
**I will probably still spend 15 hours discussing Tom Sandoval in my free time, but we’ll circle back to him on another day.
Tom Schwartz, aka Schwartzy — and tbh also sometimes known as Bubba — is considered somewhat of an OG in the Vanderpump Rules world. He was not technically an original full-time cast member when the show premiered in 2013, but he was a side character in Season 1 because he was in a relationship with main character and full-time cast member Katie Maloney. He became a full-time cast member in 2014. And since his day one appearance on the show, he has LITERALLY ALWAYS BEEN THE WORST.
While some people in the Bravo universe see this and understand it, Schwartz is not always someone who is mentioned when we’re thinking of “worst VPR cast members.” And like, I GET it. Because tbh, there are more than a few. In fact, I would argue that a prerequisite for being a cast member on this show is being somewhat of a questionable person. But Schwartz is definitely up there on the “low-key a monster” scale, and he truthfully deserves credit for being an all-around terrible dude on the show.
So, without further ado, let’s review the evidence. And then we can give him his flowers for being The Worst. ❤️
Please note this is not by any means an exhaustive list because, quite frankly, I don’t have 25 hours to dedicate to this, but it will cover some of his greatest hits.
1. Tom Schwartz started out being the worst very strongly when, in Season 1, he opted to pour an entire drink on friend, fellow cast mate, and BFF of his girlfriend Stassi Schroeder’s head. (He also called her a bitch multiple times.) Why did he dump said beer? Because he was upset that Stassi was upset (??) that other cast-member (and ex-boyfriend) Jax Taylor showed up UNINVITED and UNANNOUNCED to her birthday party in Las Vegas.
Bravo/ Peacock
When Stassi proclaims to Jax, “You lie about everything, Jax!” Schwartz mumbles, “Fuck you, Stassi!” When she is like, “Excuse me?” Schwartz doubles down and says, “Yeah, you heard me bitch.” Nice guy. 🙂 It escalates from here and ends in Schwartz standing up and pouring his beer all over Stassi’s head twice (and ruining her perfectly 2013 sequined dress).
Note: To be fair, Stassi did throw a drink first, but we’re not here to discuss her right now, and I would argue that Schwartz started it. Fight me.
2. And in Season 2, he returned with his low-key kinda weird obsession with drink pouring on camera when he dumped his drink on then-girlfriend and “love of his life” Katie Maloney’s head.
This occurred after he took Scheana’s side over his long-term girlfriend, Katie’s side. Which, tbh, Tequila Katie was being, well, Tequila Katie, but it remains not a good excuse! Schwartz dumped his drink on Maloney’s head, saying, “F— off, man.” As her friends dried her off, Maloney said, “I have this relationship all wrong. This relationship is so, this relationship is f—– up, man.” (Oh, how right she was.)
Schwartz later apologized, and they “moved on” (and got married? More on that later..) and years later, Andy Cohen brought up the incident on Watch What Happens Live. When asked if he should apologize for pouring a drink on Maloney’s head, Schwartz said, “Yes, I have thoroughly. I do it on a weekly basis.” Well, it’s STILL NOT ENOUGH, BUDDY!!!!
THE SCENE IN QUESTION:
3. At the beginning of Season 2, he also gets involved in a full-on-fight between James Kennedy and Tom Sandoval for no reason other than being The Fucking Worst.
Like, the dude was NOT even involved in this fight — which was about DJ James Kennedy telling Tom Sandoval to “go take a Honda Civic selfie,” but ole’ Schwartzy involved himself anyway and made sure it became a full on brawl.
4. He has always openly allowed his friends to talk terribly to his girlfriend/later wife. It’s weird. Like in Season 3 when Jax Taylor goes on a rampage against Katie for allegedly “motorboating some guy’s dick,” and Tom Schwartz does quite literally nothing to defend his girlfriend. In fact, he actually blames HER for the disagreement and allows Jax to pummel her for entire scenes. Loser behavior.
*It’s also worth nothing that Tom Schwartz had definitely already cheated on Katie at this point. More on that below.
5. He gave Katie — his long-time girlfriend, and person who told him “please don’t ever give me a ring on a string” — a ring on a string. You can’t make this up! Did he do this on purpose? I think so. 🙂
6. And, as mentioned, Tom Schwartz is an admitted cheater. And like, he didn’t just cheat once — not that once would even be excusable. No, the man cheated multiple times (and those are just the ones he admitted to in front of Bravo cameras). His dalliances have been the subject of storylines in both Seasons 3 and 6 to just name a few. And if that wasn’t enough, he also openly admitted that he would never actually tell on his friends for cheating on their partners. Like, in Season 6, when Jax was caught sleeping with Faith, Schwartzy said, “I don’t know anything, but if I did, I wouldn’t say anything.” At least he’s honest about this one thing, I guess.
When Schwartz is first accused of sleeping with a woman (WHO WAS NOT KATIE!) in Las Vegas, he only owned up to “making out” with her. And that was only AFTER Jax blew his cover and Tom Schwartz knew it would be a storyline on the show. In Season 3, when Jax “accidentally” let Kristen see his phone with texts about Tom Schwartz hooking up with a girl in Vegas, Schwartz finds out and pulls Katie to the side to tell her by saying, “There’s something I want to get off my chest that I should have told you a long time ago. You know the whole Vegas thing? I wasn’t completely honest about what happened entirely.” Yeah, NO SHIT. He continues, “I snuck off and went to an after-party, and I actually did, like, make out with that girl. And it was sleazy, and it was gross. I was shit-faced. I didn’t even really remember. I had to call her the next day, and I said, ‘Did anything happen? I have a girlfriend,’ and she was like, ‘No, you were fine, we just made out, not a big deal.'” Sounds like a big deal to me, actually!
Later, in Season 5, he gets drunk when they’re in New Orleans, and he’s once again confronted about this alleged Vegas hookup. This time, it seems like he slips up and admits to doing more than making out. Katie says, “You f***ed that girl in Vegas,” to which Schwartz replies, “Yeah, and you’re a bitch.” Literally the nicest guy around!
7. He honestly generally seems to enjoy disrespecting women. Especially his partner, but it is certainly not limited to his partner. Like when he referred to Scheana Shay as a “bootleg Kardashian.” Was it funny? Yes. Was it called for? Ehhhh.
“Scheana, look at your nails! You’re the fakest person in this whole building!” he shouted. “You’re fake from head to toe. You have no personality. You’re nothing! You’re a bootleg Kardashian. All you care about is a fucking selfie.” But when Scheana responded with, “And all you care about is making out with fucking chicks in bars,” she low-key served. Sorry.
He also referred to cast mate Lala Kent as a “bootleg housewife.” He LOVES the word “bootleg” when it comes to women. He has also called Stassi a bitch (more than once). And he referred to his own wife as a “Karen” because of her haircut. Immediate porce! And generally speaking, Schwartz has historically been seen by viewers as an incredibly non-confrontational person, but if you pay attention closely, it’s very clear that he has no problem being confrontational; it’s just usually reserved for women. Maybe he should bring some of that energy to his BFFs Jax Taylor or Tom Sandoval? Just a thought.
8. Don’t even get me started on the wedding season. But AFTER they somehow make it down the aisle, against everyone’s better judgement, they go on a cast trip to Mexico in Season 7 (Episode 16), and Tom Schwartz *gleefully* tells his then-wife Katie Maloney that he “doesn’t like the sound of her voice.”
9. Moving on. In Season 8, when other questionable human beings Randall Emmett and Jax Taylor decide to “play a prank” and have fake police officers show up and “arrest” Tom Sandoval, Katie voices her opinion (and actually says, “Turn on the news”) that this prank was in poor taste. In an age when police brutality and violence against citizens — especially Black people — is widely publicized, it was in poor taste. But how does her husband respond to Katie’s (very valid) opinion? By immediately telling her to shut up, of course!
Bravo/ Peacock, Bravo/Peacock
He continues by telling her that she’s “ruining a great moment” and that he’s “never been more turned off in his life.” He then proclaims, “This is why I never have sex with her.” And then calls her a moron AND an idiot. It’s so bad that the other men in the group (who are arguably just as bad) have to tell him to stop. And in the next episode (Season 8, Episode 14), he tells her, “Don’t be a social justice warrior.” OK, great. And how about you don’t be a dick? Thanks.
10. Fast-forward to early 2022, specifically March, and Katie and Tom’s porce is announced. People (me) celebrated. And Schwartz uploads his little announcement which essentially boils down to: Katie dumped me, and I’m so sad about it, and I don’t really get why** but I guess I can’t blame her, but you guys in the comments probably still should. He even goes so far as to say, “I’m not the victim.” Sweetie, I promise we already knew that.
Note: I am aware that it requires two people to make out, but IMO, Tom Schwartz owed Katie more than Raquel did, and he deserves most of the blame in this particular instance. I believe he did this solely to piss Katie off and prove once again that he does not respect her or value her in literally any way, shape, or form.
12. After disrespecting Katie (yet again…) by going against her (very valid) wishes of him not hooking up with someone inside their friend group he goes on Watch What Happens Live and refers to Katie as “a nightmare of a human being.” Katie responded, and sadly, she wasn’t surprised. And neither was I.
