Read more on vulture.com

Luann and Sonja: Welcome to Crappie Lake Season-Finale Recap: Mission Accomplished

Season 1 Episode 8 Editor’s Rating3 stars ***

Photo: Bravo After a whirlwind few weeks, Luann and Sonja’s work here is done. The mayor’s to-do list has been checked off. Benton, Illinois, is celebrating its revitalization and mourning the fact that it will never again have a Christmas in July featuring two almost fully bare asses traumatizing local children. “Mission Accomplished,” says the onscreen text, in perhaps the first time Bravo has directly quoted George W. Bush.

These good-byes are hard. First of all, CRAIG! Craig. Our public-works director/man who needs eight Red Bulls after this summer tears up after telling us he’s going to miss Luann and Sonja, and that he considers them friends. I want a spinoff where Sonja and Luann crash bachelorette parties with Craig. If Craig is tearing up, then Akash is crying. He can’t even finish what he’s saying because he’s choking up. Sonj and Lu’s twink, Trey, will be riding on the high of Sonja telling him that they see themselves in him for the rest of his life. (Does Andy Cohen need an assistant??) Lu and Sonj have changed this town, showing that two horny women prone to bodily dysfunction can do anything they set their minds and Bravo’s credit cards to.

But enough skipping ahead. There’s still a show to put on. It’s time for the Benton Follies! Ticket sales went up from 60 to 400 after the Paula Abdul photo op, which means the stakes are higher. Both of them are handling jitters in different ways: Sonja’s resigned to accepting that the show will go how it goes, while Luann’s trying to polish their song at the 11th hour. I am also deeply stuck on a day-of revelation from Luann. Entering the theater, Luann casually says that she wants to see the doctor for parasites, because she’s got bad poop, and then also says that she forgot her underwear. Having the shits and also forgetting underwear? It takes a real sense of self to prioritize letting your ass feel the breeze, even if it means risking floor poop. That is true bravery from a real professional.

I do appreciate that Lu is so serious about every show, including this one. It doesn’t matter that they’re in Benton! She still wants to look out at the house to take it in, like she does at every one of her shows. I get where Sonja’s coming from: It’s okay for this show to be fun more than it is perfect, and no one’s under pretenses of what this is. Attendees are coming to support friends and family and to have a good time. That being said, Sonja is too lax about this. The amount of times Sonja reiterates that shows rarely go without a hitch makes me think that her live shows have got to be a mess. Sonja, shows can be close to perfect! Girl, people paid for tickets! Give ’em a show!

Luann’s friend, Broadway director/producer/guy who’s about to sit uncomfortably while our dames fight Richard Jay-Alexander, flew in to tighten up the song. There’s drama again, and it’s hard to watch: Sonja tells Luann to give Courtney the pianist her updated lines, Luann says he’s already supposed to have them, Sonja’s like, Okay, well he doesn’t, and Lu tells her to stop being a bossy bitch. Listen, I am also too high-strung to co-host a show with Sonja, but she’s got a point here. Luann wants rehearsals to be going her way, but they’re not, and she has to meet everyone where they’re at. Give Courtney what he needs, and let’s move on!

Jay-Alexander directs and cuts through the bickering by reminding Sonja and Luann that they’re friends before anything else. That seems to work, because it has to. No one else has the time to get Lu and Sonj to knock it off. Pianist Courtney and unfortunate heterosexual Bill King seem grateful to have someone else here who can help Lu and Sonj get a grip — or, at the very least, have another witness to the nonsense. At least Paula Abdul is spared. She’s leading the pink-outfitted dance team’s rehearsals, and possibly helping them subconsciously heal from being a little scared of Luann. It’s the most fitting role for the gentlest of original American Idol judges. Maybe there’s still time for Sanjaya to fly in for a guest appearance?

We hear from councilmember/undervalued town hottie Lee Messersmith briefly right before the show begins. What happened to him? Who is this mysterious rando we’ve met like two times?

I looked it up, and it turns out that he was recently elected the MAYOR!! And in Benton goss (?), he unseated Mayor Fred, who had been running for a third term. What’s their beef? Could we see it in either of their eyes? On top of that, Mayor Fred got punched in the face in a grocery-store parking lot in 2017. Drama! The Countess and Ms. Morgan have more in common with this town than we all thought.

Sorry for the tangent. It’s so important to be engaged in local politics, though not as important as Luann pronouncing “Ariana Grande” like “Air-EEh-ANNA GRAND-day.”

It’s showtime! Luann and Sonja start the show with a clumsy introduction and cue-card malfunction. Sonja needs to be reminded that she has to bring up the girl who’s going to sing the national anthem. I know I’d be as pissed off as Lu, but I have to say, Sonja is charming. First major snafu of the night: There’s no mic onstage when the national-anthem singer walks up. By the time some poor tech guy is schlepping over a mic stand, Luann has already given her her mic and shooed his ass away.

Sonja’s handling the stress by eating and presumably farting, and Luann is having a minor mental breakdown, but she’s rolling with it. Also, how long is this show? There’s like, 45938320498 acts. Maybe everyone’s getting like, 90 seconds? These children are all doing amazing. Sonja and Luann’s song is a little rocky, but it crushes. It’s fun! It feels like a sweet farewell to Benton. Sonj and Lu both are fine with how it went, which means this town doesn’t have to worry about being terrorized by another fight between the two. (Speaking of fights, I wonder if the guy who punched Mayor Fred came to the show?)

And then, it’s time to go. Lu and Sonj get in the car with their things and call Akash to see where he is to say good-bye. Akash covertly leads them to where everyone in town is holding signs to send them off. Everyone’s sad to see them go! Sonja and Luann are crying! It’s like the end of summer camp, where you don’t want to leave your new friends and you promise you’ll keep in touch and visit each other. You won’t, but it’s nice to think that you might. Decades from now, every child in Benton will have grown up into an adult who wakes up in the middle of the night wondering if this was a university sociology experiment. And if that wasn’t what our girls partially set out to do, then I don’t know what was!

Sonja and Luann drive away, passing a billboard that says, “There’s no place like Benton!” with Sonja and Luann waving. It’s an image that does look a little “in memoriam,” but who knows? Maybe Benton will have more tourism because Sonja and Luann were there, but it might have double the tourism if people think that Sonja and Luann died there. I don’t know! Our time in Benton may have come to an end, but the memories — like Sonja singing into a vibrator like it’s a hairbrush — are forever.  

VULTURE NEWSLETTER

Keep up with all the drama of your favorite shows!This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply. Vox Media, LLC Terms and Privacy Notice

<

p aria-hidden=”true”>By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Notice and to receive email correspondence from us.