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What We Do in the Shadows Recap: It’s Raining Men

Season 5 Episode 3 Editor’s Rating3 stars ***

Photo: FX Vampires are queer as hell. This is an established fact in What We Do in the Shadows. Even when a vampire is engaging in what is technically heterosexual sex, their polymorphous hedonism lends the act a certain, shall we say, eau d’bi-curieux. Take the perverse foursome that climaxes (pun intended) this week’s episode: Is it simply a man and wife engaging in the Christian act of marital intercourse, or does the presence of Nadja’s human ghost inside Nadja’s vampire body — not to mention that she’s sharing the undead vessel with Colin Robinson, who seems to be learning a few things about himself based on his facial expressions — make it a supernatural orgy? Technicalities, really, as long as everyone’s having fun.

I’m not sure why the two Nadjas didn’t just go to Laszlo in the first place, given that he’s always down to clown. But the sitcom gears must turn, and so “Pride Parade” goes on a persion-filled jaunt through Staten Island trying to get Laszlo some sunshine and Nadja’s-human-ghost-inside-Nadja’s-vampire-body good and laid. Nadja does approach one woman at the event, attempting to seduce her with eye contact, Eastern European dance moves, and a confident, “Look how wide I am!” But honestly, given that it’s bookended by Sean’s Pride parade — he’s running for comptroller, whatever, it’s a device — I was expecting this episode to be, well, a little gayer.

Frankly, the gayest thing about it is the ongoing, unspoken queer-platonic love affair between Nandor and Guillermo — which faces yet another test this week, as Nandor becomes jealous (but not suspicious) upon observing that Laszlo and Guillermo are spending a lot of time together. This is a continuation of last week’s episode, where Laszlo sussed out Guillermo’s secret: That he’s technically a vampire, but something is wrong. He’s not turning like he should. And Laszlo, being a faithful friend as well as a man of science, jumps on the opportunity to investigate. His official diagnosis? “The boy is fucked up.”

Aside from the details — the scientific experiments, Nandor’s flight to where no men but Ludacris and Tyrese Gibson have gone before — we’ve seen these dynamics at play in previous seasons. Laszlo and Colin Robinson’s friendship spanned seasons three and four, and Laszlo has been tight with Sean since season two. Bro-ing down with an unlikely pal isn’t new for him. Nandor being jealous of anyone who pays any kind of attention to his familiar is also a predictable response, one that goes all the way back to season one.

One thing that’s relatively new to the series is the gals experimenting with the occult, as The Guide and the two Nadjas do when they swap bodies on “Freaky Friday.” (Get it?) The Guide is now a permanent fixture in the vampires’ household, as well as in the opening credits for the show. (She has her own oil painting now, which means she’s been upgraded from guest star to series regular.) Although she’s already a vampire, she’s functioning as Nadja’s familiar, providing physical and emotional support — and free therapy! — while receiving absolutely nothing in return. Will these two also gradually fall into a state of confusing intimacy that’s unexpressed yet undeniable? We can only hope. Some good old-fashioned lesbian longing would be a fun addition to this season.

In the meantime, “Pride Parade” deepens the show’s vampire lore with one bit of folk wisdom I’ve read about before — namely, that a vampire will be compelled to count every grain of rice should they encounter a pile of it, a belief that actually comes from China — and a few more that were made up for the show. As far as I can tell, no human culture subscribes to the notion that if you throw a vampire’s sock into a river, they have to jump in after it. And the idea that vampires are two-pump chumps was news to me: How are they having these all-night orgies, then? (I know the answer; that was a hypothetical.)

Equally illuminating was the revelation that Nadja died a virgin and that all of her prolific sexual experience occurred after she became a vampire. All the way back in the series premiere, we learned that The Baron, now settled in at a cabin in the Pine Barrens with his eternal life partner, The Sire, was Nadja’s teacher in the ways of carnality. She then, in turn, initiated Laszlo into the lifestyle, and he took that knowledge and sprayed it over half of Europe. All of this took a couple hundred years to play out, granted. But to go from “hand stuff” with Jonas the Mule Dancer to pansexual coitus with the vampire glitterati is quite a glow-up.

At this point in their collective immortality, the vampires have essentially formed a polycule — or, as Nadja bluntly puts it, “we all F each other all the time.” (And watch, as The Guide and vampire-Nadja-inside-the-body-of-her-doll are prepared to do during Nadja’s-human-ghost-inside-Nadja’s-vampire-body’s ill-fated liaison with the house’s biggest freak, Colin Robinson.) We’ve known this for a while. The whole neighborhood knows about it at this point. And for a couple of Staten Island suburbanites, Sean and Charmaine are very chill about the vampires’ living arrangement.

They get a lot more than they bargained for by bringing their “big-time gay” immigrant neighbors up onstage during their promotional Pride event, however. Laszlo being dressed like the ringmaster at a Satanic polyamorous circus is weird enough. Then comes Nandor crashing completely naked onto the front lawn like a beefcake comet during “It’s Raining Men.” (Get it?) And the song itself? A nightmare for the ears and the eyes.

Amid all the chaos, however, comes one genuinely sweet moment — a specialty for Harvey Guillén, who’s becoming a bit of a gay icon himself. Stuck on the back of a float with a sparkler and a sign that reads “Gay Guy,” Guillermo is scowling and miserable. Then he begins to relax and lose himself in the moment, and a smile spreads across his face. He’s at home, finally. Happy Pride, Guillermo.

Craven Mirth

• I’d wear an “Ay, I’m being gay over here!” T-shirt.

• “Courage. Relentlessness. Being tall.” Nandor could do quite well on the apps with that in his bio (tall being the critical word there).

• Kayvan Novak had a lot of the best lines this week, although my favorite was “Boy stuff. Vroom-vroom. Carry on.”

• I’m not sure how revolutionary it is to praise a woman for performing pratfalls more than a decade after Bridesmaids. But Natasia Demetriou really wasn’t afraid to make herself look ridiculous this week, and I salute her for it.

• On that same note, I would love to see some BTS footage of the cast filming that bizarre sex scene at the end of this week’s episode.

• I can’t believe this never occurred to me before, but Laszlo’s UV-ray experiment suggests the answer to Guillermo’s undead medical mystery: This is what happens when you combine the blood of a vampire hunter and a vampire. So, yes, he is exactly like Blade, thankyouverymuch, Laszlo.

• While Googling whether a vampire jumping into a river to retrieve a lost shoe (sock, whatever) is actually a thing, I turned up this image of a terrifying creature called a “vampire fish.” You’re welcome?

• Laszlo’s triple-jump skills raise an interesting question related to morbid Victoriana: We already know he was Jack the Ripper. But was he the notorious Spring-Heeled Jack as well?

• Lasz’s beach outfit was giving me strong vibes of Marlon Brando in the ill-fated 1996 film version of The Island of Dr. Moreau. It’s probably been 300 years since he’s been able to draw a dick in the sand under the life-giving rays of Amun-Ra. Good for him.

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