What We Do in the Shadows Season-Finale Recap: A Heart-to-Heart at Panera Bread

What We Do in the Shadows Season-Finale Recap: A Heart-to-Heart at Panera Bread,That was a lot easier than anyone thought. Also, what the hell was Patton Oswalt doing in Staten Island? A recap of “Exit Interview,” episode 10 and the finale of season five of ‘What We Do in the Shadows’ on FX.

What We Do in the Shadows Season-Finale Recap: A Heart-to-Heart at Panera Bread

Season 5 Episode 10 Editor’s Rating3 stars ***

Photo: Copyright 2023, FX Networks. All Rights Reserved. Well, that didn’t take long. The past three seasons of What We Do in the Shadows have ended on cliffhangers: Guillermo revealing his Van Helsing lineage at the end of season two, Nadja’s relocation to London at the end of season three, and Guillermo asking Derek to turn him into a vampire at the end of season four. For season five, they’re saying “fuck it” and just wrapping things up so everybody — particularly Guillermo — can go home.

But while “Exit Interview” wasn’t a cliffhanger, it wasn’t momentous enough to be a series finale, either. (Which we knew — last year, the show was renewed for seasons five and six.) The status quo has been reestablished, as the season’s big drama wraps up with Guillermo realizing he’s happier as a lowly familiar who gets to tag along on vampire adventures than as an immortal bloodsucking murder machine. This will, of course, wipe away any last remnants of respect the rest of the household might have gained for him during his time as a half-vampiric freak of supernature, which means the good-byes they exchange at the Hav A Nap Motel aren’t a total waste.

As with the inpidualized traps at Morrigan Manor, each vampire’s approach reflects their personality: Colin’s gift of a Q4 sales-leader award from 1977 is the closest he can get to showing actual affection. And while Laszlo was distracted by the sight of two healthy young women about to engage in consensual filmed intercourse, some part of that apology probably is earnest on some level. (Laszlo, as he has proved multiple times over the past three seasons, is a guy’s guy above all.) The Guide, well, she’s trying. Nadja, as she has proven multiple times over the past few seasons, isn’t a particularly good friend when it comes to “being emotionally engaged” and “not giving away your location while you’re hiding out in fear of your life.” But she is a good hang and down for anything. Clearly.

Nadja in the trench coat saying “’Sup, bitch?” got a bigger laugh from me than anything I’ve seen over the past few episodes of this season. The other big punch line of the week came not from one of the actors but from director Tig Fong (who’s also the show’s stunt coordinator): the quick pans back and forth between Nandor getting all Dark Knight on the rooftop and the Panera Bread down below. Yep, Nandor is in his relentless mode, dealing with the aftermath of Guillermo’s betrayal by doing what he always does, which is not dealing with it at all.

As Laszlo (and, nbd, but also these recaps) predicted, Nandor does indeed find a reason to forgive Guillermo for his most heinous betrayal because there’s nothing Guillermo could do that would make Nandor stop loving him. (They call it “friendship” on the show, but we all know these two love each other.) It takes a lot for a guy like Nandor to swallow his pride, and it says a lot about the nature of their relationship that Nandor is willing to kill Derek on Guillermo’s behalf. He’s pretty casual about killing in general, don’t get me wrong — that “Privat Pardy” with all the red sauce (eyyyy) was the bloodiest thing we’ve seen all season — but recognizing and attending to the needs of someone else in a (relatively) kind and considerate fashion? That’s huge!

That being said, while it’s always lovely to see those two reaffirm their queerplatonic love, it’s hard to shake the feeling that What We Do in the Shadows is spinning its wheels at this point. We’ve now gone through multiple iterations of Guillermo’s inner conflict over his identity and its aftermath. Now that the vampire (and vampire hunter) questions are settled, where do we go from here? At the end of season five, the answer is “back to season two,” which is when we first met the Necromancer (Benedict Wong) and Topher (Haley Joel Osment), the ill-fated familiar who pops up as a zombie at the end of this episode. Now Derek goes down the sitcom-lore hole as well, possibly to pop back up next year.

What new adventures could the gang get up to in season six? They have started a business, gotten involved in local government, grappled with the mysteries of eternal life and cyclical death, and proven that, deep down, they do have a little bit of humanity left in them under all that decadence and bloodlust. But the biggest question I’m sure was on all our minds is this: What the hell was Patton Oswalt doing in Staten Island?

Craven Mirth

• Specifically, Guillermo is a Bravo type of gay. Fair enough!

• “She told me her name was Detective Policeman!”

• What will become of Guillermo’s sweater-vest-clad mutant hybrid children now? I’m thinking maybe they can move into the attic, where Nandor’s wives used to live.

• “Do you think we can get away with not paying the next person?” I’ve been to job interviews where this question was not asked directly but was implied.

• “One sip of blood and he’s like Cornholio over here.”

• Aside from its just being a funny joke, I can explain away Laszlo’s never thinking to just give Guillermo some human blood thusly: He doesn’t really think of Guillermo as a full person, let alone a full vampire. The empathy gap here is real.

• All $270 gets you at Hot Topic these days is a dog collar, a goth handkerchief top, and a pair of pre-shredded pants, huh? Inflation is out of control.

• Nadja’s and Laszlo’s matching blue hair streaks were very cute.

• The red cords on the vampires’ impromptu cult robes (but not so impromptu given that the Sire and the Baron had time to get a sitter) reminded me of the Suspiria remake, which is a very fun and artsy reference. Once again: Well done this season, costume department. I wish you all the Emmys.

• R.I.P. Patton Oswalt. I’ll miss seeing you pop up in random sitcoms.

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